World Free Stuff

What do you want to be when you grow up?

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
“Dead.” she was informed.
“How do you know?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?!?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know”, explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

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A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later…. “Da-d….”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…..”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!”
Five minutes later……”Daaaa-aaaad…..”
“WHAT!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”

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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, “For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”

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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”.
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
“I can’t dear” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room”.
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy”.

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It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?”.
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”.

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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!”.
I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy”.
“I know”, she replied, “but what’s growing in your butt?”

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A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
“Yes”, he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’ “.
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”.
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: “Holy Shit! A talking chicken!”.
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.”

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!”

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.”

“Yes,” the wife said, “I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”

“I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

For those that don’t know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an ‘Australian treasure!’

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You’ll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

There was a bear and a rabbit, coming down in a path, in the big forest. Along the road they met a golden frog. The frog said “Since not many animals visits me, I grant you both 3 wishes”. The bear wished fast, that every bear besides him were female bears. “Done” the frog said.
The rabbit wished for a bike helmet. And he got that.
Next thing that the bear wished what the the neighbour forest bear’s were all females. And his wish were forfilled.
Then the rabbit wished for a motorbike. The rabbit got the bike and swung up on it.
The bear’s last wish were that all bears in the whole world besides him were female bears. The frog forfilled the bear’s last wish, and looked on the rabbit.
The rabbit said “I wish that this bear, who stands next to me, is gay forever”, and the rabbit started the engine and drove away.

Lol what a dog

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to
the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will
be $10.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
“I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says,
“I’ll have the same.”

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
“The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and salad,” says the man, “same for me,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,
“That will be $21.62.” Once again the man pulls exact change out
of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.
“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with
the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount
of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs, pauses, and answers…

“My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs…
who agrees with everything I say.

A mother worries that her teenage daughter is having sex and might get pregnant, so she consults several parenting websites for advice.

Later that evening, as her daughter prepares for a date, the mother sits down to talk with her. “I know you are adult enough to make the right decision about your body. But I want you to please try to abstain from sex until you’re married. If you must have sex, then please use protection.”

Feeling proud of herself for being so pro-active, the mother hands her daughter a box of condoms.

The daughter laughs and hugs her mother. “Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating a girl!”

Little Johnny is at it again… President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy’?

So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy’.

One little boy stood up and offered:

‘If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy?’> ‘No,’ said Obama, ‘that would be an accident.’ A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.’ ‘I’m afraid not,’ explained Obama. ‘That’s what we would call great loss.’ The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’ Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.’

‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed Obama. ‘That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?’

‘Well,’ says the boy, ‘It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss… and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.

“COMPETITIVE SALARY”
Most of our competitors don’t pay much either.

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”
We have no time to train you.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
You’ll be here very late, very often — might as well be comfortable.

“MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED”
Your first four projects are already way overdue.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
Did we mention that you’ll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.

“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.

“CAREER-MINDED”
Female applicants must be childless.

“APPLY IN PERSON”
If you’re old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive’s nephew.

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
Due to consolidation, you’ll be replacing three people.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
This company is a total mess.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
You’ll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
Listen to management, figure out what they want, don’t ask too many questions and get the sh*t done.